Can I not be a woman?

I am suffering monthly pain

and

I didn't enjoy the priveilge of being a woman at all.

Can I not be one?

What am I?

I am the lousiest person ever.

I don't deserved to be demanding.

I don't deserve to throw my temper over nothing, like a kid.

I don't deserve to be coaxed like a kid.

Why?

Because I am always strong in front of everyone (as if it's real)

Because I am always easy in everything

Because I can do everything myself in front of everyone (as if I can)

Perhaps, this is my destiny.

If everyone holds their own fate, do I have the ability to change my fate with my own hands?

Perhaps, I am really a very bad person in my past lifetime. This lifetime, I am back to repay all my debts.

I haven't really been updating for a very long time. I am really busy with my life. Working particularly every day except sunday morning. And when it comes to Sunday morning, i wasted the beautiful morning in my dreamland. All my friends are looking high and low for me. But.. I am sorry.. At this period of time, I am too tired to spend my time on anything. Any single free minute, I just feel like staying home, in my room, doing nothing. I promised, when life gets back to normal, I will get back to whoever I miss out during this time. I promised.

Oh well, I am happy with my life now. Though I am really busy, I worked every single day, but I am happy and contented. I am financially independent and I am emotionally contented. My feeling now is "I really feel so good not having to rely on anyone to do anything". Though I am still lost and aimless, I am trying very hard to feel and learn what I am expecting my life to be.

I feel very happy with my financial planning part time job. I learn alot and my boss is a great boss. He pays me well and teaches me a lot of thing. He makes me love the job. I am not too sure whether I can be a good financial planner, as a financial planner holds a great responsibility for one's finance to go in the right direction and achieve one's goals and objectives in life. All of my life, I have no idea what is going on in the finance world. And this is what I am weak at. But, I like the job and have put financial planning into my consideration.

I am happy with my life. Happy having my lazy boyfriend lazing around the house every day I come home. He is having holidays and has got nothing to do. It really feels good to see him and feel him in the house. Maybe I am really too tired from work. To have someone around, it really feels good.

I am not too sure how long this kind of life is going to continue. I know I will have to move on in a couple of months' time. But there are too many things that I can't put down now. Will see how it goes. Enjoy what it is now...

Browsing through friendster, my friend's profile caught my attention. He was my classmate from Taylor's. What caught my attention? He is getting married. Out of curiosity, I clicked on to his profile, and memories flooding out the memory lane...

We were classmates in G9 SAM 2001 Taylor's College. It was a unique and unforgetable year for me. I can still remember how we get to know each other. It was during the English class where we were put into groups for discussion.

"Hi, I am Kent."

"Oh, what a unique name, is it the name of the cigrette?"

"Yup!"

Not many people were staying in SS12 at that time. But it so happens that he stayed around there. So most of days, he became my companion to walk home. The distance was short but it was good to someone to talk to. He brings back memories when I was still studying in Taylor's then.

I can still remember, on the first day of our class, our tutors asked us to share our dreams. Most of my classmates studied SAM to get themselves into IMU to further their studies in Medical, Pharmacy, Bio-medical, Bio-technology. Yeah, We were the Pure Science class. My answer back then was unknown, coz I chose Pure Science simply because I didn't know what I am heading next. However, towards the end of SAM, I fell in love with what I am studying and I am positive that I want to go into Pharmacy. Before the exams, everyone was busy applying for universities. So am I. I applied for all the 6 Australia universities which were famous for their Pharmacy course. I got condition offer from them with my preliminary results. I studied hard for my finals and I got good results for me to get offer from 4 universities. But, at that time, my parents didn't want to go overseas. And at that time, none of the universities offered twinning programs. I had no choice, but to give up. In the end, I ended up in Metropolitan College (one of the colleges I hated most at that time, coz I don't think people in there are seriously studying...). And I chose Accounting as my major. I can't differentiate whether I really like the subject.

After browsing at Kent's profile, I remembered him telling me he wanted to become a Pharmacist, and today, he really become one. And I browse at some other classmates' profiles, everyone are working hard for their dreams. Some of them are in UK, some in Australia, all working hard for medical, pharmacy course. I have completed my degree and even my Masters. But, I still feel empty at times. Coz I don't really know is this what I want.

What if I studied Pharmacy at that time? Am I a happy Pharmacist who love my job dearly? What if?

I think I'm getting old. I don't enjoy party. Or maybe I should say I can't enjoy party. I can't seem to get myself comfortable in crowds. My old habit is back. Hermit...

I tried to enjoy but I just can't. I don't dislike. I don't hate. But, seriously no offence, I don't like this kind of "socialising". Though it may allow me to get to know more people, but I really don't feel comfortable playing with people that I find so unfamiliar.

I think this could be because I have reached another stage of my life. I have graduated. And I am in full-time working. Full-time working = many part time. Most of the time, I am working. I don't feel like doing any other things other than just stay home and dazed.

I guess many people find me anti-social and weird. But I am really sorry, I can't be comfortable in crowds. I rather stay in my room and surf net or watch drama.

What I enjoy now is peace. I started to like gatherings that are just relaxing with chit-chating and dining. Not beer-ing, with teasing. Not anymore. I started to understand the stage of life after uni. It's all about giving yourself more time to rest and relax. No partying. Not anymore.

A great gathering is just to gather with a few good friend with a delicious dinner in a quiet environment sharing about each other's life. This is what I want to do.

Zinny, you are in full time employment. Do you feel the same?

Seriously, I miss having coffee with you girls in melbourne. Just coffee-ing with conversation about "bubbles" that we wish to have... If I have money, I really hope I can fly to melbourne to "coffee" with you and esther...

Miss you millions...

I just can't get myself to blog anymore. I am in such a stage that I just wanna shut myself inside a nutshell. and tell me and everyone : Hear no evil, speak no evil, feel no evil and see no evil.

I don't know how to title this entry.

Everything is in the control of your hands. You hold your own destiny. Your life belongs to you. Noone can manipulate the results, only you can. If this is what you want to achieve, there is only one way to achieve it.

Many things in life are meant to happen. People leaving footprints in your life can choose to stay or leave. Things that once belong to you can remain yours or drift away. Everything is in your control. It's you who decide where these things belong.

Decisions are yours. Don't blame life or any other things when you lose things.

Opportunity costs exist. There is no win-win all the time in life.

Time flies. It indeed flies. It's like still yesterday, but I am already 23. A grown up already. At least, a grown up for me. Many say 21 marks a significant new life. But I would say 23 marks a significant new beginning for me. I realised my thinking changed alot. My friend said so too. He said I have grown up. A grown up girl as compared to the girl he knew 3 years back.

I realised I care in a different way. I don't cry because things don't work in my part. Rather, I cry because I really feel the pain in the heart. I don't feel sad on things that I have worked hard for but it didn't turn out to be what I expect. Rather, I feel disppointed. There are things in life, in my life, that have already become facts in my heart. I may already have an answer in my heart, but I have delayed my execution. That's me, I am always giving chances. Giving chances to everything. I will only accept it when the disappointment reaches its destination.

I know I am stronger already. 23 grows me and makes me stronger and more mature. Waiting is the only word in my dictionary. I hope I can have a wider vocabulary.

I might be silly. I might be stupid. But I know, I will not regret coz I have already tried my best.

When will be the execution? Or rather, will the execution come?

It was a great birthday. The greatest I can say among these few years. I was surprised by a group of friends organised by my dear boyfriend. The same old tricks as usual, switching off the main power supply and popping with a lit birthday cake. It was really nice. We sat around playing cards and chatting. Then my bf asked me to take his wallet from the car. It was meant to surprise me. He has put my birthday present inside the car. It was really really nice! The nicest thing is the present. It is something that I always wanted!! A zen!! A zen!! Oh my, I really love you, my dear (not because of the present.. but the efforts of everything!!)

There is nothing much to say. Just happy, happy happy!!!

There are many people in these world who are very selfish. Or should I phrase it this way... Everyone in the world is selfish. It only depend how selfish you can be. Only these 2 years, I realise there are more and more people in my life who are very selfish and don't care a thing about the others. I am really consider selfless compared to them. And I am really proud about this point.

How selfish are they? I shall not mention in detail. If not, I really don't know how to continue my life now...

I am just disappointed...